The Key to Difficult Conversations: Going Meta

When you’re in a difficult conversation, whether its one characterized by conflict, evasiveness, or ambiguity, you’ll usually know it when the conversation is becoming less useful.  Either there will be clear cues like the other person being visibly angry or disengaged or you will sense that things are off-track because the flow of your conversation keeps going in fruitless circles.  What do you do?  What is the best way to take a conversation that has gone bad and get it back on track?  Many times the best answer is what I call “going meta.”  The full explanation is after the jump.

Meta comes from the Greek word for together and means, “about, at one higher level of abstraction.”  For example, a meta-analysis of medical research is an analysis of other people’s research, where someone takes the results of many other studies and comes up with one more comprehensive and conclusive result.  So meta-analysis is research about research.  A meta-conversation, then, is a conversation about a conversation.  In practice this means that when you find yourself at an impasse and can’t make any progress in a difficult conversation, switch the topic of the discussion to the conversation itself.  Here’s an example of what it might sound like in an actual practice:

Tom: We’ve been over this a hundred times Lisa, there’s just no way I’m going to give you the support you need on Project X.  I’m way too busy and it’s not my fault you can’t do your job.”

 

Lisa [going meta]: You know, Tom, I understand that you feel like you can’t support me.  I get it.  Before we talk about that as an issue though, I want to talk about the tone of our conversation.  I think we’re getting off track because we’re angry.  When you say things like “can’t do my job,” its hard for me not to react with anger, and if I do, we just spiral out of control.  Any thoughts on how we can change the tone of the conversation?

 

Tom: I don’t know what you’re talking about – I already told you, I can’t support you on project X.  What more do we need to discuss?”

 

Lisa [staying meta]: Maybe nothing, Tom, but before we give up I want to give it one more try and focus on how we talk about it.  If we can have a good conversation in which we’re both respectful of the other person’s position, I’ll feel a lot better about whatever outcome we reach.  Can we try that?

 

Tom:  I guess so.

Lisa’s goal, now is to have a good conversation about how to have a good conversation.  She has shifted from a discussion of outcome or content to a discussion of process – specifically the process of talking toward a particular outcome. 

Other “meta” questions include:

• “What three things are most important to you about how we should have this conversation?”
• “What do you think is causing this conversation to be less helpful?”
• “What can I do to make this conversation more helpful?” 

Finally, one last way in which going meta can be helpful is as a technique to end the conversation when things get really bad.  For example, if Tom in the example above just wouldn’t get constructive, Lisa might say something like,

“You know, Tom, I just can’t seem to figure out how to make this conversation work.  Why don’t we take some time, cool off, and see if we can come up with some thoughts about that question.  Again, I’ll respect any outcome we come to in the conversation but I need it to be productive and respectful.  Can we agree to meet later this week?”

This is going meta.  Try it in your next difficult conversation and I think you’ll be happy with the results.